The Winner of the Blame Game

It is a painful thing to wake up and realize your life is not how you dreamed it would be. I am one of those people who always sees the things that need improvement. While that is a great characteristic for a quality inspector in a factory, the "flaw-detection" gene has a tendency to leave one feeling unfulfilled and dejected. I have been called "critical" and "negative" frequently throughout my 52 years. I have always seen these traits as essential to improvement and progress. But they take their toll on one's mental health and happiness.

I awoke this morning to see a large multi-page spread in the Wall Street Journal about Michael Dell and his homes. His first little project in 1996 was a 33,000 square foot shack in Austin, Texas. Since then, he has acquired a 40 million dollar penthouse in Manhattan, a 20 million dollar penthouse in Boston, and a compound in Hawaii. Michael's headshot smiled at me as I pored through the ridiculous over-consumption that I saw on these pages. Does anyone need a 33,000 square foot house, and three more spare penthouses just in case? Of course not. And if you're not happy with a 3000 square foot home, does happiness lie just 30,000 square feet away? It's silly, right? Regardless, I took the bait. The article seemed to be screaming, "Michael Dell is happy, and you are PATHETIC."

That's when I heard that familiar little voice echo the article: "Why can't your life be more like this, you sorry, useless, waste of breath?" There were my old friends again... Discontent. Dissatisfaction. Jealousy. Self-Derision. Smallness. The voice in my head went on: "You can't even turn your stupid tax return on in time, much less build a billion-dollar company. You might as well give up, you loser." So what does one do when the deep pain of this internal dialogue sets in? Well, my usual response to numb out with some TV, internet shopping, or junk food. This bright sunny morning, I chose to play the blame game.

I looked around for anyone, anything I could use to hand the responsibility for my failure. My kids, my wife, my job, and even my dog were useful in this regard. So the mind-conversation turned to, "Well, if so-and-so hadn't done this-or that, then I could have been more successful" or "There's no way I could make things better as long as he/she/it is holding me back." I even looked with hatred at our Roomba Vacuum Robot as it happily cleaned the floor in my living room ("Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate! Stop all that racket!!")

It's What Makes the World Go Round

The battle in my head this morning is literally what powers our economy. The pain of discontent can be a great thing, when it gets Thomas Edison to invent the light bulb, Henry Ford to harness the assembly line, or Alexander Fleming to discover penicillin. But the dissatisfaction that we most commonly feel is fabricated by those who stand to benefit from it. Translation: people who need us to buy the crap they are peddling need us to feel like something is missing.

Thousands of years ago, the Buddha equated suffering with desire. When I was learning about Buddhism in high school, I thought this meant that Buddhism espoused giving up all of one's belongings and living in the street wearing a ragged potato sack. But now it is more clear to me: the type of desire the Buddha had to come to terms with himself was the pain of always wanting more than what one has; in other words, the suffering that arises with the nagging, constant feeling that something is missing from one's life. Don't you think that Michael Dell experiences this same feeling? After all, he didn't end up with 5 monster houses that he doesn't need unless he has the exact same sense of discontent that I woke up to this morning.

Of course, something IS missing. It's just not what we are programmed to think it is. And I'm pretty sure what we are missing won't be found on Amazon.com.

End the Blame Game

After the self-flagellation festival in my head let up, it occurred to me that I needed to give myself a break. I was just being made to feel not good enough by the intentional effort of our consumer culture. In reality, Michael Dell and I are much more alike than we are different. As the Italian aphorism goes, "After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box." Both Mike and I are imperfect... and we are exactly as we should be. What's the opposite of hating yourself? It's not loving yourself; it's SELF-ACCEPTANCE. That means letting go of who you think you should be, and being fully satisfied with who you are, this very moment.

You can ONLY get there from here.

I am not saying to be mediocre. There is nothing wrong with trying to be better, stronger, and smarter. We came into this world to question, learn, and evolve. This adventure is supposed to be hard. Chances are that the easy things, like gorging on a bag of chips, ordering with "Amazon One-Click," or Netflix binging, are not aligned with your life purpose. That's not at all what I mean by "Self-Acceptance." Genuinely accepting who you are and where you are is the mandatory first step to getting ANYWHERE else. Otherwise, you are not heading TO somewhere; instead, you are running AWAY from here.

Low Hanging Fruit

I want you to try something, right now. Put down whatever you are doing and thinking. Sit. Breathe. Breathe.

Now fully inhabit your body. For just a minute, BE where you are, right here, right now. Consider that you are completely, totally, EXACTLY as you should be this very moment. It may take a few tries, but your true nature is right in front of you; and it doesn't take 18 years in a monastery to touch it. You are a human BEING, not a human doing. And you are always just a breath away from your essence.