Why You Make It or Break It: Mindset

Take a minute to answer these two questions:

When I succeed, it's because:

I am smart.
I worked hard.

When I fail, it's because:

I'm a loser.
I didn't prepare enough.

Why is change so difficult?

Have you struggled with improving your results in life despite knowing what to do? Do you ask yourself why your efforts to change your life for the better - e.g. losing weight, working out, earning more money, attracting a mate - sputter and fail despite your best intentions? After 4 decades of collecting, reading, and applying thousands of self-help and life improvement books, I believe that I have stumbled upon a valuable piece of insight that might explain why permanent, lasting change is so difficult to accomplish for some of us.

In the book Mindset, author Carol Dweck, PhD lays out a very simple distinction between two types of thinking: fixed mindset and growth mindset. Dweck believes that mindset is the primary determinant of your outcome - in parenting, managing employees, lovelife, and just about every aspect of wealth, health, and happiness. Could it really be that simple? I believe so! I would strongly suggest that you pick up a copy of Mindset, but I know that many of you won't (especially you fixed mindset types like me!), so here is the short version.

Fixed Mindset: The Past Equals the Future

Simply put, fixed mindset thinking means you believe that past performance equals future results. "Fixed" refers to one's IQ, ability, or potential. It's the idea that we have a certain amount of natural born ability, and no amount of effort can push one past an in-born limitation.

If you have a fixed mindset, you answered #1 on both the questions above, and you might believe:

Intelligence and physical ability is inborn. You can therefore either live up to your potential, or fail to live up to your potential. But you can't exceed it, no matter how hard you work.
How well you perform is a direct reflection of your self-worth.
Succeeding means you are smart, capable, strong, etc. BUT...
Failing means you ARE a failure.
Challenges and difficult problems are risky and to be avoided, because they can reveal your flaws and shortcomings.
An IQ test or GPA accurately shows how "smart" you are, and these numbers can predict how well you will do in life.

Some behaviors consistent with a fixed mindset:

Never putting forth full effort. It's safer to hold back just a little... in case you fail. Then you can tell yourself you would have succeeded if had really given it your "all."
Avoiding challenging situations: exposing yourself to failure risks devastating your sense of self.
Shyness. Remaining aloof in social situations, since it's better to keep your mouth shut than showing yourself to be unlikable.
"Trying too hard" socially, or dominating conversations in social settings.
Approval-seeking, or excessive boasting.
Judgementalism: a person with a fixed mindset is constantly judging - himself AND others - to be either "better than" or "worse than." For someone with a fixed mindset, comparison of ourselves against others is a recipe for perpetual unhappiness, because there will always be someone out there who is better (i.e. smarter, wealthier, fitter, or better looking) than you.
A fixed mindset individual shies away from more accomplished people because they may make him or her feel inferior.

Growth Mindset: The Future Depends Solely on the Present

People with a growth mindset believe that challenges are opportunities to learn and grow. They see their abilities as fluid; that is, skills can be learned, and shortcomings can be overcome. If you answered #2 on both the questions above, you are likely to be growth-minded.

Beliefs of a "growth-minded" individual include:

Though some people are born with advantages, anyone can achieve anything given hard work and persistence.
Failure is a learning opportunity; no more, no less.
Challenges are fun! Without testing your abilities and limits, growth is not possible.
An IQ test is just an assessment at ONE point of time. It does not determine your entire life's trajectory.
Life is a game to be played "all-out." If you fail, so be it. Next time, you might succeed.

Behaviors consistent with a growth mindset:

Being the first to jump into a new venture.
Wholeheartedly enjoying challenges.
Not being afraid to ask questions publicly.
Inviting obstacles, as they will make you stronger and more resourceful.
Recovering fully and quickly from failures.
Seeking out advice and mentorship from people that are better at a skill or have stronger attributes. Instead of feeling inferior in the presence of a more accomplished person, growth mindset individuals see it as a learning opportunity.

Which is better, Growth or Fixed?

Failure is an inseparable companion to success... always. You may have heard the often quoted axiom that even the best major league baseball hitters miss 7 out of 10 times. So it follows that being comfortable with failure greatly boosts your chance of success. Then we all agree, right? Growth mindset is preferable. Richard Branson, Steve Jobs, Henry Ford, Rosa Parks, Oprah Winfrey: who wouldn't want to be included in this group?

Real-Life and Mindset

How does mindset translate into behavior? Let's look at the example of applying for a job.

Fixed mindset: A person with a fixed mindset would see getting rejected by a potential employer as a death blow to his self-image. The rejection is hard evidence that he is inferior, incompetent, etc. He might not even apply for his dream job to avoid the potential pain of not getting chosen.

A growth-minded individual, on the other hand, would look at getting rejected from the job as a chance to learn how to get it right the next time. Even if he is rejected, he learns from the experience, picks himself up, and jumps right back into the job hunt with new, improved tactics. This is the approach we all took when learning how to walk! And it's the same approach a major league batter takes after he has missed a few pitches... because the next at-bat could be the home run!!

Here is the crucial point: the stimulus is the same: rejection from a job; but the take-away significance is vastly different depending on mindset. To both individuals, not getting the job sucks, and it feels bad to both people. But the MEANING that each individual gets from the event is what differs, and the meaning we glean from an event is what determines our response. Extend this same difference to asking your dream partner for a date, competing in a crucial sports competition, or just about any aspect of life that involves a risk of failure.... and you can see that mindset can truly determine the course of one's life.

If you are a fixed mindset person like me, reading all of this has probably made you feel crappy. The first part of the book had the same effect on me. It is, after all, called "mind-SET" as in "set in stone." So as I read the first half of this book, my recurring thoughts were, "I guess I'm doomed" and "What the heck use is all of this insight if I can't change my mindset?!"

Can you learn a growth mindset?

Dweck argues, and I agree, that mindset is hardwired. It becomes ingrained early in life into our unconscious lower brain centers. Our responses to challenging situations are largely programmed and automatic. So we fixed mindset people should just give up, right? HECK NO! Why would I waste 15 minutes of your precious time if all of this were futile?! If you want to shift your mindset, I believe it can be done. In fact, I am counting on it! Here are some steps you can take.

Get Motivated: Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker who has made a career out of creating lasting change in his clients, calls this "Leverage." There's positive motivation (that shiny new car, or that fat paycheck) or negative motivation (that heart attack you might suffer if you stay at your life-sucking job another 10 years, or the embarassment you feel when you have to ask for that seat-belt extender on the airplane). In my experience, negative motivators are much more powerful, but there's no reason not to employ both in your quest to change. When you have a 15 minute span of time that you will not be interrupted, lock yourself in a quiet room, turn off your smartphone, and grab a legal pad. Write down a list of EVERYTHING in your life you want to change - big and small. Then write a list of EVERYTHING you want to create in your life. It's important to step out of your judgemental self in this process, and let your thoughts spill out onto the paper. I suggest handwriting the list. The more specific and vivid your list, the more effective it will be in intensifying your motivation. Once you have done this work, review it to refresh your motivation DAILY.
Break the Pattern: The most effective way to break a pattern is to become starkly aware of it and notice how it effects your life. The only way I know of to create this level of awareness is to open up quiet space in your head. Yes, I'm talking about meditation again! Start with a few minutes of breath meditation each morning when you first awake. It's important to do this first, before your routine and your intrusive to-do list takes over your mind-space. It may take several tries over a week or two, but eventually you will learn to separate from the mental pattern (the program) that has been running in your mind most of your life. The goal is to OBSERVE instead of be immersed in it like you usually are. First, practice this skill in the few minutes upon awakening, then take this skill into your day to day life. It's really that simple. Maintain your motivation (step #1), and then become an observer of how often you judge yourself and others. Becoming aware of judging, and shifting to non-judgmental observing, is INCREDIBLY powerful. Trust me. So here is a simple example of how this technique can play out: You walk by the pantry in your home and have the urge to snack. Your first impulse is to grab an open bag of chips and just "have a couple." Here is a perfect opportunity to stop and breathe. Stand still (yes, I mean in your kitchen), breathe, and draw your attention to your bodily sensations and emotions. What do you FEEL in this instant? Where is the feeling centered? What thoughts are just beneath these feelings? You might not be hungry at all, but instead might be feeling tense, sad, anxious, etc. Focus on WHERE in your body the sensation is, and WITHOUT JUDGEMENT, allow yourself to feel the feeling. Odds are that this simple routine will dissipate the urge to gorge on potato chips. Try it the very next chance you get!
Install a New Program: The mind hates empty space and quiet. If you are successful in ending the unwanted behavior, the subconscious mind will try immediately to fill the vacuum with another thought, urge, or habit. But you're smarter than that, no? You can consciously insert a wanted behavior at this moment! So, back to the potato chip urge that you just vacated. Before your mind has a chance to randomly choose the next unwanted habit, start creating your next wanted habit... like doing 10 jumping jacks, drinking a cool glass of water, or taking a relaxing 5 minute stroll in your backyard.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat: Now repeat steps 1-3 over and over.

Extra Credit

Below are some pointers I picked up from Tony Robbins regarding changing your mindset. Your mindset depends on three factors:

Your physiology: your posture, facial expressions, body movements, tone of voice, and level of physical energy. Change your body, and it will change your mind! The next time you catch yourself slumping, frowning, or dragging your feet... jump up in the air, shake your body, put a big smile on your face, and stand up straight. Then notice how you FEEL different on the inside.
Your focus: Hold your arm out, and stick your thumb out. Now focus on your thumbnail while you notice, with your peripheral vision, the rest of your visual field. Do you have a sense of how little a spot you can actually see clearly, and how vast the area is that you are NOT focused on? Like your eyes, your conscious mind chooses to focus on a very small spot in your physical world. There's a lot going on that you are NOT consciously aware of. But often your choice of focus will determine how you see a given situation. Here is the key: you can purposely determine your focus, and thus control your mindset. Remember the potato chip example above... by shifting your focus from the hunger pang to the underlying feeling that led you into the pantry, you were able to leave the chips alone!
Your language: We all like to complain. Venting feels good. We hope the person we are complaining to will agree with us, and if so, we get a little emotional boost from it. But in truth, no one likes being around a complainer. Here's a news flash: when you complain, you are bringing both the other party AND yourself down. Become aware of how often you complain, and then STOP IT. Resist the urge to complain. Try a "complaining fast" for a day, and see how it lifts your mental state. The language we use has a profound effect on how we view ourselves and others. We actually do have control over what comes out of our mouths; USE IT! As an aside, the power of language is particularly intense in parenting: your kids soak up every word you say. While this topic requires more attention than I can give it in this article, parents have a crucial responsibility in developing our children's mindsets. I would refer you to Dr. Dweck's book, Mindset, which deals in detail with how mindsets come about and the role that we as parents can play in building healthy mindsets.